Embark on a personal journey through my experiences with anxiety and depression, offering insights, coping strategies, and answers to your most pressing questions in a comprehensive Q&A format.
While I’ve frequently opened up about my eating disorder struggles on this blog (explore my past posts here, here, and here), I haven’t delved as deeply into my experiences with anxiety and depression. The truth is, my eating disorder often intertwined with and even stemmed from untreated depression, creating a complex web of challenges throughout different phases of my life. I believe it’s time to share a more holistic picture. I’ll begin by offering a concise overview of my journey and then transition into an in-depth Q&A session, addressing the many thoughtful questions I’ve received from our community, especially through recent Instagram stories.
Before you dive further into my story, I want to highlight an exciting upcoming event: I’m co-hosting a **LIVE webinar** on January 7th at 8 PM CST with my incredible partners at Healthy Glow Co. and Monique. This session will be a continuation of our vital mental health discussion, where we’ll explore our recovery stories more profoundly. Sharing personal narratives has been instrumental in healing our individual relationships with food and exercise, and we’re eager to chat LIVE with you all. So, make sure to mark your calendars and secure your spot RIGHT HERE.
A vital disclaimer before we proceed with my personal narrative and answer these questions: I am absolutely NOT a medical doctor or a licensed mental health professional. My intention is solely to share my unique experiences and perspectives. Every individual’s journey with mental health is distinct, and you should always consult with your doctor or a qualified healthcare provider before making any decisions related to your health or treatment.
My Personal Journey: Living with Anxiety and Depression
My official diagnosis of depression and anxiety came in 2011, during my junior year at the University of Minnesota. This period marked what I now recognize as the rock bottom of my eating disorder. In fact, it was the visible and severe impact of my eating disorder that ultimately compelled me to seek help for the underlying anxiety and depression. Unlike some mental illnesses that can remain hidden, my struggles with anorexia and orthorexia manifested outwardly. Amidst the significant life changes of moving to a new city and grappling with profound self-confidence issues, I found myself desperately clinging to the one area I felt I could control: my body. I meticulously tracked every bite and every calorie burned, and the rapid weight loss I experienced, coupled with external validation, tragically fueled the disorder’s grip.
My dramatic weight loss – over 30 pounds in just 45 days – served as a glaring red flag for my family, who responded with immediate concern. My parents and sister swiftly arranged appointments with a therapist and a psychiatrist. At that time, I was deeply in denial, particularly with myself, about the severity of my problems. Yet, a quiet but persistent voice within me knew something was profoundly wrong. It honestly took about two years for me to verbalize the phrase “I have an eating disorder.” However, my doctors and family clearly understood the gravity of my situation. Eventually, I began to accept that I was dealing with a form of mental illness, categorizing my eating disorder as a “poor relationship with food,” alongside my depression and anxiety.
During the peak of this challenging period, I placed immense pressure on myself to achieve an unattainable state of perfection. I strove for academic excellence, a flawless physique, and an idealized life. This relentless pursuit of perfection left me constantly anxious, preventing me from living a normal college life. Food and alcohol became sources of immense stress, as I adhered to a strict regimen of less than 1,200 calories per day, unwilling to “waste” them on a shot. My self-worth plummeted, making me believe I wasn’t deserving of a relationship, and my perceived social awkwardness limited my friendships. I avoided parties, typical college antics, and late nights, obsessively prioritizing “being healthy,” whatever that elusive concept meant to me at the time.
The Turning Point and My Path to Wellness Today
The pivotal moment in my battle with mental illness arrived when I started medication. While I don’t attribute 100% of my recovery solely to the medication, it undeniably facilitated a crucial shift in my mindset. It became clear that I needed to fundamentally alter my lifestyle in multiple ways. This meant cultivating a healthier relationship with both food and exercise, and, most importantly, with myself. I understood that this transformation would require significant, sustained effort. It wasn’t a magic pill; rather, it was the catalyst that empowered me to undertake years of diligent work to reach where I am now. A substantial part of my recovery journey, surprisingly, materialized through the creation of this very blog. It provided a productive outlet for my formerly obsessive energy, allowing me to build a brand and a community, a path that was by no means effortless.
Today, nearly seven years have passed since my diagnosis and the start of my medication for anxiety and depression, and I am thriving. I’ve cultivated a balanced and normalized relationship with myself, and my eating disorder is firmly under control. Everyone in my life is aware of my past struggles and offers unwavering support for who I am. I genuinely love my career and the fulfilling life I’ve meticulously built for myself. I am happy, and ultimately, isn’t that the most important goal?
My approach to managing my mental illness is a harmonious blend of holistic practices and medication. I currently take 100 mg of Sertraline (which I’ll discuss further below) and integrate numerous mindful activities into my daily, weekly, and monthly routines to maintain my health at an optimal equilibrium. While most days I hardly remember my depression, my anxiety tends to be more prevalent of the two. However, it’s generally manageable, with more “up” than “down” periods, which is a significant improvement. Below, you’ll find detailed answers to many of your questions regarding anxiety, depression, and medication, a topic that garnered considerable interest on Instagram. As always, please feel free to leave any additional questions in the comments section, and I’ll endeavor to answer as many as I can!
Addressing Your Questions: Anxiety and Depression
What do anxiety and depression feel like to you?
Describing these feelings can be incredibly challenging, as they often defy simple words. For me, anxiety manifests as being ensnared within my own thoughts. It’s an overwhelming sensation where I fixate on stressors, cycling through concerns without being able to find a clear path forward or take action. My thoughts race at a mile a minute, making it incredibly difficult to focus on daily tasks or simply be present. Depression, in stark contrast, feels like a profound wave of sadness. It’s as if a dark, heavy cloud descends upon me, often without a discernible reason, leaving me feeling listless and enveloped in a pervasive gloom.
What are your anxiety side effects?
My anxiety presents with several distinct side effects, including persistent insomnia, recent bouts of night sweats, shortness of breath, a compulsive habit of nail and cuticle biting, and a significant loss of my ability to focus. Typically, I can fall asleep without much trouble, but my insomnia primarily involves waking up in the early hours of the morning and being unable to return to sleep, leaving me feeling unrested. The night sweats are a newer development, appearing within the last two months. While I haven’t definitively linked them to my anxiety through medical confirmation, I strongly suspect a connection. I often wake up with completely soaked sheets, noticeable breast sweat (due to having a larger bust), and wet hair. It’s quite uncomfortable and occurs 2-3 times a week. Shortness of breath is less frequent for me, but when it does strike, it’s invariably when I feel extremely overwhelmed, almost bordering on panic. However, the most common and disruptive side effect is the inability to focus on my daily activities. My mind becomes completely consumed by one or two pervasive thoughts, and I find myself unable to dislodge them, impacting my productivity and peace of mind.
What steps did you take to get diagnosed with anxiety/depression?
Honestly, I doubt I would have ever initiated therapy on my own if it weren’t for the vigilant concern of my mom, sister, and other loved ones who noticed my drastic weight loss. Given my family history of depression, my mother had an immediate understanding of the seriousness of my situation. After attending several therapy sessions, it became quite clear to the professionals that I was struggling with both anxiety and depression. Their insights and my family’s unwavering support were instrumental in recognizing and addressing my mental health challenges.
How do you manage anxiety holistically?
It might sound unconventional, but this aspect of living with mental illness has become one of my favorite parts – the profound hyper-awareness that I need to prioritize extra self-love and care. I’ve discovered numerous strategies that empower me, especially during the challenging, dark, and cold winter months when my sensitivity to anxiety and depression is heightened. Here are some of my most cherished holistic practices:
- Surrounding Myself with Support: Being around people who genuinely understand my struggles and can uplift me is paramount. Their empathy and encouragement create a vital emotional buffer.
- Naps: Never underestimate the power of a restorative nap. It’s a simple yet incredibly effective way to reset my mind and body when feeling overwhelmed.
- Clean and Intuitive Eating: I find that when I nourish my body with healthy, unprocessed foods, free from rigid dietary rules, I simply feel better overall. It’s about listening to my body’s needs rather than strict adherence.
- Outdoor Time: The more time I spend outside, immersed in nature, the greater sense of calm and perspective I gain. Fresh air and natural light are incredibly therapeutic.
- Massages: I make it a point to get at least one professional massage each month. It’s an hour of pure relaxation where I feel completely free from worldly worries.
- Essential Oils: Over the past year, I’ve integrated essential oils more deeply into my routine. I use them in a diffuser, on my pillow for sleep, and topically on my body for calming effects.
- Acupuncture: While I initially sought acupuncture for physical injuries, I now continue it for its profound meditative benefits, which greatly aid in managing anxiety.
- Yoga: This is an area I need to prioritize more frequently. Each time I practice yoga, I emerge feeling incredibly rejuvenated and mentally clear.
What tools do you use to get through anxiety in the moment?
When anxiety strikes suddenly, my primary tools are deep breathing exercises and open communication. Consciously slowing my breath helps to calm my physiological response, while vocalizing exactly how I’m feeling and why often helps to externalize and process the overwhelming emotions, leading to a significant reduction in distress.
Do you see a therapist?
Currently, I do not see a therapist, as my mental health is in a stable and controlled state. However, during the initial phases of my journey, therapy was an absolute godsend, and I’m eternally grateful for that support. Having an objective, external perspective to help rationalize my thoughts and feelings was invaluable. I firmly believe that everyone could benefit from therapy, and it’s something I’ve considered reintroducing into my routine in the future, perhaps starting again in 2018.
Do you feel like you can’t get out of bed some days?
Fortunately, this is no longer an issue for me. My depression is well-managed, and I’ve always been a morning person by nature, so I tend to be quite the opposite – eager to start my day!
What do you do when you get really anxious?
When I experience intense anxiety, I rely on a few specific strategies. Firstly, as mentioned, I absolutely need to talk about it. My closest friends and family are well aware of this tendency. Articulating my feelings and the triggers behind my anxiety helps me process and sometimes dissipate the intensity. Secondly, physical touch provides immense comfort; simply put, I often just need a hug to feel grounded again. And thirdly, self-care becomes paramount. Whether it’s indulging in a warm bath, deliberately putting my phone away for an hour, taking a brief nap, or engaging in a creative activity like pottery, these actions effectively divert my mind from the source of my anxiety and offer much-needed respite.
How do you cure your insomnia?
My battle with insomnia is an ongoing process, but the most effective strategy I’ve discovered is to physically change my sleeping environment. It might sound unusual, but when I can’t fall back asleep in my bed, getting up and moving to the couch often helps me drift back to sleep more easily than staying put. Crucially, I also adhere to a strict rule: I can only check the time on my phone, and nothing else. Engaging with the phone further will undoubtedly prevent me from falling back asleep.
How do you deal with mental illness and relationships?
The single most important factor in navigating mental illness within relationships is **COMMUNICATION**. While this might seem like common sense, as I mentioned earlier, sometimes it’s incredibly difficult to articulate the complex emotions I’m experiencing. My partner, Mark, doesn’t personally experience mental illness, but he is an exceptional listener. He knows my entire story intimately, from its beginnings to the present day, and I am profoundly grateful to have a partner who will drop everything just to listen and offer a comforting hug. The same holds true for my sister, Linley, and my other close friends. I cannot emphasize enough the critical importance of open and honest communication, especially concerning mental illness. If you make the effort to communicate how you’re feeling, your loved ones are far more likely to understand and provide the support you need.
Any tips for seasonal depression?
Seasonal depression, or Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), is a significant challenge for me. One strategy I’ve implemented this year is to literally “buy all the plants!” For me, plants symbolize life, growth, and happiness, bringing a much-needed sense of vibrancy into my home during darker months. Beyond that, I actively make an effort to get out of the house, even when I’d rather stay in. This means intentionally scheduling more plans with friends and committing to social engagements. I refuse to let winter dictate my life and prevent me from living fully, even when the urge to curl up on the couch or just work indoors is incredibly strong.
Medication Journey: Your Questions Answered
I understand that medication is a very personal and often complex topic, as its effects can vary so widely from person to person. However, I genuinely don’t know where I would be in my mental health journey without it. While I don’t give medication sole credit for my recovery, it certainly provided the necessary foundation, allowing me to effectively implement other, more holistic forms of healing. Once again, I want to reiterate that I am NOT a doctor, and I am simply sharing my personal experience. Everyone’s body and mental health are unique, and you should never take this information as medical advice without first consulting with your own healthcare provider.
What medication are you on?
I am currently prescribed Sertraline, which is the generic form of Zoloft. It was prescribed to address both my anxiety and depression.
Did someone prescribe you this medication?
Absolutely, yes! At the time of my diagnosis, I was seeing both a therapist and a psychiatrist, and it was my psychiatrist who carefully evaluated my condition and prescribed the medication. I still maintain regular check-ups, visiting my medical doctor every three months to discuss how things are progressing and to ensure my treatment plan remains optimal.
How long have you been on medication?
I have been consistently on medication since 2011, which means I started during my junior year in college.
Do you think you’ll be on medication forever?
I don’t have a definitive answer to that question, but regardless of the outcome, I am entirely at peace with it. My focus is on maintaining my well-being, and if medication continues to be a crucial tool in that effort, I accept it fully.
What was your tipping point when you knew you needed to go on meds?
My eating disorder, fueled by my anxiety and depression, was undeniably the tipping point. The rapid and drastic weight loss – dropping from 150 lbs to 118 lbs in just 45 days – left me severely malnourished and dangerously unhealthy. My mom and sister were incredible during this critical time, relentlessly urging me to seek professional help. My mom, having also experienced depression and an eating disorder during her college years, recognized exactly what I was going through and understood the urgent need for medical intervention. I initially began seeing a therapist and attending group therapy sessions, but it wasn’t until my doctor specifically recommended medication that I truly considered it as a necessary step.
Was it hard for you to admit you needed medication?
HELL YES. This was, without a doubt, one of the most profoundly difficult things I have ever had to accept in my entire life. I vividly remember sitting in my bedroom, door shut, clutching the pill bottle between my hands and sobbing uncontrollably for hours. My mind was consumed by fears that this medication would fundamentally alter who I was, that it would cause me to gain weight, disrupt my hormones, and change my very essence. Thankfully, I listened to my doctor’s compassionate advice, because looking back, that decision truly saved my life.
Have you been on the same medication and dosage since you started?
I have remained on the same medication, Sertraline, since I began treatment. My doctor explained that often, what proves effective for one family member can also work for another, which led to me starting on the same medication as my mom. However, my dosage has not remained constant. I initially started on a low dose of 25 mg. After a few months, my doctor increased it to 50 mg, and then a few months later, it was adjusted to 100 mg. All of these dosage changes were carefully prescribed and monitored by my doctor at the time.
Does your medication make you want to sleep all day?
This is a challenging question for me to answer definitively because I’ve been on medication for such a long time. I am naturally a person who requires a significant amount of sleep – we’re talking at least 9 hours per night, often supplemented with a nap. I’m genuinely unsure whether this need for extensive sleep is directly related to my medication or simply a characteristic of my body’s general physiology.
Join Our LIVE Mental Wellness Webinar!
Team, get ready! I am absolutely thrilled to be co-hosting a LIVE webinar with my amazing friend Monique! One of the core motivations behind founding Healthy Glow Co. was to cultivate a safe, inclusive space where women feel empowered to openly share their authentic stories, their struggles, and their triumphs. Mental health and holistic wellness are paramount, especially during this time of year, and we are incredibly excited to get vulnerable and share our journeys with you during our live discussion. We’ll be diving deep into our personal wellness paths and detailing how we’ve successfully healed our relationships with food and exercise. I believe this webinar seamlessly connects with the themes of this post, underscoring the universal importance of mental health for everyone!
WHEN: Sunday | January 7th | 8 PM CST
SIGN UP: CLICK HERE TO REGISTER
YAY! I genuinely can’t wait to connect and chat with all of you!