It’s truly remarkable how swiftly time can pass, yet the echoes of significant life chapters remain. Six years have now flown by since I navigated the intense depths of my eating disorder, a period that feels both incredibly distant and profoundly impactful. It’s almost surreal to reflect on those days; I even found myself sifting through old Facebook albums just to pinpoint the exact year, a testament to how long ago it feels. This milestone prompted me to conduct a check-in, realizing that the struggles with healthy food and exercise obsession are battles many of us confront in our wellness journeys. My personal experience, marked by its unique crests and troughs, has undeniably shaped who I am today, teaching me invaluable lessons about resilience, self-acceptance, and the true meaning of well-being.
Recently, I had the immense pleasure of spending some much-needed restorative time with my dear friend, Davida. Our conversations spanned a vast spectrum, touching upon everything from the intricacies of running a business to the profound importance of friendship, the ever-evolving landscape of wellness, and even our shared love for podcasts. Her unwavering encouragement served as a powerful catalyst, inspiring me to finally sit down and articulate these reflections. Writing has always been a challenging endeavor for me; I tend to be incredibly self-critical, especially when surrounded by naturally gifted writers like Davida and my sister, whose words seem to flow effortlessly onto the page. While I often dismiss my own writing abilities, Davida’s gentle reminder resonated deeply: “No Lee…you don’t suck at it, you just need to sit down and do it.” And so, here we are, embarking on this narrative together.
PS: You might notice, I also finally got a haircut! ^_^
For those who are new to my story or wish to understand the foundational aspects of my journey, please click HERE. This will provide essential context for the reflections and insights I share within this post, helping to bridge any gaps in understanding my path to recovery.
It’s truly been a full six years since I was deeply entrenched in the grip of anorexia and an all-consuming exercise addiction, which, as often happens, eventually spiraled into a period of binge eating. It’s fascinating how, with the passage of time, articulating these challenging experiences becomes less daunting, and the words carry less of their initial sting. I frequently receive questions about my eating disorder recovery journey, and it’s crucial to emphasize from the outset that this transformation was by no means an overnight phenomenon. In fact, for an entire year into my recovery, I was in profound denial, unable to fully accept that I was even suffering from an eating disorder at all. This denial is a common, yet often misunderstood, facet of mental health struggles. Many people mistakenly believe that recovery is as simple as making a single healthy choice, like eating a “damn cheeseburger,” but the reality is far more intricate and profound. Eating disorders are complex forms of mental illness, deeply rooted in psychological and emotional turmoil. In my case, severe depression and anxiety served as significant triggers. Like countless other stories of eating disorders you might encounter, food and exercise became the two variables in my life over which I felt I had absolute, undeniable control. The logic was dangerously simple: if calories in were consistently less than calories out, I would witness the satisfying drop on the scale. However, allowing my weight to plummet from a healthy 155 pounds (ironically, what I weigh now and feel strong at) to a dangerously low 118 pounds in just three months was profoundly unhealthy and unsustainable. Recognizing my inherently obsessive personality, I understood that for true recovery to take hold, I needed to redirect that intense energy and focus towards something constructive and life-affirming. This realization was the genesis of Fit Foodie Finds – a beacon of hope and a new purpose.
I attribute an immense amount of credit to this blog for providing a crucial anchor, helping to re-center my mind on what genuinely holds importance in my life. It slowly shifted my focus away from external validation and the relentless pursuit of a specific aesthetic or conforming to societal expectations. Instead, it helped me understand that true fulfillment lies in living each day with intentional purpose, fostering positivity, and uplifting those around me – often through the power of humor. Woah, humor, in particular, proved to be an unexpected but colossal element in my healing. I highlight humor because it was something I profoundly lost during that dark period of my life. I became rigid, stark, and undeniably boring, stripped of the vibrant personality that once defined me. Reclaiming my “normal” quirky and wonderfully weird self has been a joyous process, reinforcing a belief I hold dear: “if you’re not weird, you’re boring.” Embracing this authentic version of myself has been a hallmark of my ongoing recovery and a testament to finding joy in the everyday.
TODAY: Embracing Strength and Self-Acceptance
Even after six years, recovery isn’t about eradicating every single negative thought; it’s about shifting my relationship with them. I still, on occasion, find myself staring at the “squishies” on my stomach, a fleeting memory of the time I had a highly defined six-pack surfacing. In those moments, I metaphorically slap myself in the face with a raw piece of meat – a visceral reminder that life is vibrant, real, and messy, and that striving for an unattainable ideal is a disservice to the beautiful present. Today, I am overwhelmingly proud of my body and the incredible things it accomplishes for me daily. I am proud that I possess the strength and stamina to complete an eight-mile hike up a challenging Norwegian mountain, feeling robust and capable with every step. I am proud that I can hold a plank for a full two minutes, a testament to my core strength and endurance. I am proud that I can effortlessly run a 5k without needing to stop, experiencing the pure joy of movement. And yes, I am even proud that I’ve had to go up a size in pants because my quads have grown significantly stronger and more powerful. Beyond these personal achievements, I am equally proud to have cultivated a supportive circle of people in my life who celebrate these accomplishments and embrace my journey with as much genuine enthusiasm as I do.
Cultivating an amazing tribe of supportive individuals has been absolutely pivotal to my sustained happiness and mental well-being. My partner, Mark, has been a truly wonderful and enriching addition to this inner circle over the past year. Whether he consciously realizes it or not, he embodies a deeply body-positive attitude, consistently making me feel beautiful and cherished exactly as I am. There’s an added layer of comfort in his presence, as he knew me when I was just 17 and, let’s be honest, quite awkward. It’s the collective presence of people like Mark, Linley, Emily, Davida, Lindsey, Monique, and my entire family (my sister, brother, and “fam bam”) that provides daily reassurance. They consistently remind me that I am not alone in this often-perfection-driven world. Their acceptance underscores the liberating truth that it’s perfectly okay for me to enjoy a donut, and it’s equally acceptable for me to prioritize not just one, but two or even three rest days each week for my body and mind. WOAH. The truly cool and transformative aspect is that I am, finally and completely, genuinely okay with these choices, too. This acceptance is a profound marker of my journey toward intuitive eating and a balanced lifestyle, free from the stringent rules of the past.
Despite the significant challenges this past year has presented for my health, I find myself in a remarkably good place mentally and emotionally. It’s been a period marked by a broken foot, a struggle with seasonal depression that was far worse than average (a topic I haven’t yet fully explored), and a major breakup last May, which undoubtedly took a toll on my mental health. All of THAT aside, the overwhelming sentiment within me is happiness. As cliché or even “dumb” as it might sound, I genuinely love my life. I love it precisely because I made the conscious and deliberate choice to build it this way, brick by brick, foundation by foundation. It’s a testament to the power of resilience, self-advocacy, and the unwavering commitment to one’s own well-being, even when faced with adversity. This happiness isn’t an absence of problems, but rather a profound appreciation for the life I’ve actively shaped and the strength I’ve found along the way.
To anyone who might be suffering with an eating disorder, grappling with depression, struggling with anxiety, or contending with any form of mental illness, my heartfelt message is this: YOU ARE ENOUGH. You are inherently worthy, valuable, and perfectly whole, exactly as you are meant to be in this very moment. Your journey, your struggles, and your existence are valid and important. Hold onto hope, seek support, and remember the incredible strength that resides within you.