My Healing Journey: Embracing Self-Love After an Eating Disorder

It’s a peculiar thing how certain conversations can unlock stories we’ve held close for months, waiting for the perfect moment to share. This particular post has been living in my drafts, simmering, until a recent coffee chat with my inspiring yogi friend, Justyn, sparked the courage I needed. Her energy ignited a deep desire within me to open up and share my story – my journey through an eating disorder.

For those curious about the context leading up to this moment, I encourage you to read an earlier piece that provides a foundation for my experiences: The Story: Part 1. It will help catch you up on the beginning of my path.

From Healthy Roots to Hidden Struggles: My Early Years and College Life

Fitness and a healthy lifestyle have been integral parts of my life for as long as I can remember. I grew up in Milwaukee, immersed in a vibrant, active household where competitive sports were a regular fixture, shared with an incredibly energetic family. This upbringing cultivated a natural love for movement and well-being. My academic path led me to the University of Minnesota, where I pursued a diverse curriculum blending Health/Fitness and Design. My college years were marked by active involvement in student government and a fulfilling social life, surrounded by a close-knit group of friends.

However, beneath this outwardly thriving existence, a more complex and troubling relationship with my own health began to take root. Body image had been a silent battle for me since high school, a persistent whisper that grew louder and more insistent during my junior year of college. It was then that I developed an intensely unhealthy dynamic with food and exercise. A familial history of depression, compounded by the significant academic and social pressures of university life, created a perfect storm, leaving me in a fragile state of mind. I found myself spiraling into a rigid cycle of control, meticulously monitoring every morsel I consumed and obsessively tracking every calorie I expended each day.

The Descent into Restriction: Calorie Counting and Extreme Exercise

The numbers became my world, my captor. My daily caloric intake plummeted to an alarming 1100 to 1300 calories, a dangerously low amount, especially given the intensity of my exercise routine. My workouts were relentless: rigorous 40-minute HIIT sessions, long, exhaustive runs, and other strenuous activities. While some might consider 1,300 calories to be within a ‘normal’ range for some females, it was woefully insufficient for my activity level. This severe caloric deficit was accompanied by a systematic restriction of entire food groups. Healthy fats and carbohydrates, essential for energy and overall bodily function, became the ‘enemy.’ My diet narrowed to a small selection of ‘safe foods,’ primarily fruits and vegetables, which offered a perceived sense of control.

The true turning point, the moment things accelerated downhill, was the introduction of obsessive calorie counting. Once I started meticulously tracking every single calorie, my perception of food irrevocably changed. High-fat foods and carbohydrates transformed from necessary nourishment into sources of intense fear and guilt. Fruits and vegetables, in contrast, became my sole refuge, my perceived ‘permission’ to eat. The physical changes were startlingly rapid: I lost 30 pounds in less than two months. Crucially, I did not have 30 pounds to lose. I went from a healthy size 6/8 and around 150 pounds to an unhealthy size 0 and a mere 118 pounds. As someone who stands at 5’8″, this weight loss left me gaunt and fragile. My once D-cup bust (which I thankfully have again now) diminished to an A/B. The natural definition in my face vanished, leaving it hollowed. I wasn’t ‘fit’; I was simply ‘skinny,’ a term I, at the time, tragically believed looked good.

A Distorted Reflection: The Invisible Scars of My Eating Disorder

Observing some of my old photographs, one might perceive a semblance of normalcy in my appearance, but the reality was far from it. Mentally and emotionally, I was anything but normal. My natural build has always been muscular and strong, a characteristic I’ve carried since childhood. Yet, at my thinnest, this inherent strength completely disappeared. My legs lost all muscle definition, my upper body became alarmingly delicate, and the natural feminine curves of my body – my breasts and glutes – virtually vanished. It was a desolate, joyless transformation.

This physical deterioration was deeply intertwined with a profound internal struggle. Relationships with friends and family dwindled, pushed aside by my all-consuming obsession with food and my body. My academic life, once a source of pride and engagement, was relegated to the background. My happiness plummeted to an abysmal 1.0 on a 10-point scale. Every ounce of my energy, every waking thought, was consumed by how I looked and, more painfully, by what I imagined others thought of me. The pervasive belief that “skinny” equated to “good” became the destructive lens through which I viewed myself and the world. This obsession fostered deep isolation, eroding my vitality and replacing genuine joy with constant anxiety about food, weight, and perceived imperfections. The vibrant, engaged young woman I once was slowly faded, replaced by a shadow consumed by a distorted self-image.

The Road to Recovery: Finding Light Amidst the Darkness

Looking back at that period, I realize how profoundly ‘Debbie Downer’ I might sound. Yet, ironically, I was often the most positive depressed person one could meet. This innate resilience, a stubborn spark within me, proved pivotal in my journey toward recovery. The first, most crucial step was a profound realization: my relationship with food and my body was unequivocally unhealthy and unsustainable. I understood, with chilling clarity, that I could not continue living in such a restricted state. Change was not merely an option; it was an absolute necessity for my survival and well-being.

Recovery was not an overnight miracle; it was a gradual, often circuitous path. I intentionally began by cultivating a supportive environment, surrounding myself with positive individuals who offered unwavering encouragement. Therapy became a safe and essential space, allowing me to unravel the complex thoughts and emotions that had fueled my eating disorder. I embraced new, healing practices: yoga, which taught me to reconnect with my body with gentleness and mindfulness, and meditation, which offered moments of peace amidst internal turmoil. Blogging also emerged as a powerful therapeutic outlet, helping me process my experiences and, perhaps unknowingly, inspire others. These were not quick fixes, but consistent, deliberate actions that slowly began to dismantle the rigid structure of my eating disorder.

I consciously shifted away from punishing workouts toward more nurturing forms of exercise, incorporating activities like walking and gentle yoga. More significantly, I embarked on the daunting task of reintroducing all foods into my diet, focusing on moderation. The concept of “all foods fit” was revolutionary, terrifying, yet utterly essential. It demanded dismantling years of self-imposed food rules and confronting the deep-seated fears I had associated with certain foods. This phase, however, was far from smooth. A new challenge emerged: binge eating. My body, having been deprived for so long, struggled to regulate its hunger cues. Intuitive eating, the seemingly simple act of eating when hungry and stopping when full, felt like an insurmountable obstacle.

Ironically, those very “safe” foods I once relied on became the targets of my binges. I distinctly remember consuming an entire three-pound bag of grapes in a single sitting. Let me assure you, no human should consume such a quantity at once; the aftermath is a profound feeling of physical discomfort and emotional distress. This period served as a stark reminder that recovery is rarely linear, often involving detours, new battles, and the necessity of patience and self-compassion.

A New Chapter: Finding Balance and Self-Acceptance Through Intuitive Eating

A pivotal turning point in my recovery journey occurred approximately two years in when I met Blake. His presence brought about a profound and positive shift, accelerating my healing in ways I desperately needed. My deepest desire was to feel normal around food again, to reclaim a sense of peace and confidence within myself. I longed for the freedom to enjoy meals at restaurants without the constant, intrusive calculations of calories or the immediate planning of how to “burn it off.”

Blake became an instrumental guide in helping me cultivate what I affectionately call ‘intuitivize’ my eating – a term I coined to describe the process of truly listening to my body’s innate wisdom and hunger cues. He is, without a doubt, one of the most naturally intuitive eaters I have ever encountered. For Blake, eating is elegantly simple: he eats when he’s genuinely hungry and stops when he’s comfortably full. While this sounds straightforward, for someone entangled in the complexities of an eating disorder, it represents a revolutionary concept, far easier said than done. Witnessing his natural approach, free from guilt or obsession, slowly began to dismantle my rigid food rules. Through his gentle example, he taught me to trust my body’s signals again, to view food as nourishment and pleasure, rather than an enemy or a metric to be controlled. His influence helped me rediscover the joy and simplicity of eating.

My Philosophy Today: Strong, Healthy, and Unconditionally Loved

Fast forward about three and a half years, and here I am today: happy, healthy, and profoundly grateful. I now live authentically, for myself and for the incredible people I love. At only 23, I sometimes feel as though I’ve navigated a lifetime of experiences and challenges. Of course, the journey toward complete well-being is never entirely linear or perfect. There are still days when I feel I’ve eaten too much, or when I look in the mirror and feel a bit “blah” about my appearance. These moments are normal; they are part of the human experience, and I’ve learned to acknowledge them without allowing them to derail my progress or self-worth. I also continue to manage depression, a lifelong companion, and am diligently working on carefully weaning myself off anti-depressants under professional guidance.

Despite these ongoing challenges, I can genuinely say I love where I am today. Every single day feels like a blessing. The unwavering support of my family, Blake, and close friends like Linley and Carly has been absolutely invaluable, especially as I recently embarked on a significant career move. I am incredibly excited and fortunate to be in a place, both health-wise and financially, where I can pursue my passions, finding immense joy and fulfillment in my work each day.

Today, the thought of abstaining from nourishing foods like avocado or Greek yogurt because they “have too many calories” is entirely alien to me. I’ve completely shed the shackles of that restrictive mindset. And while I may not be running 4 miles in 31 minutes right now (though that was pretty badass, and I hope to achieve it again soon!), my focus has shifted dramatically. My belief now is that strong is unequivocally healthy, and muscles are undeniably sexy. My body is a testament to resilience, a vessel for strength and joy, not a canvas for control and deprivation.

Embracing the Journey: Lessons Learned and Hopes for the Future

I hold a steadfast belief that everything happens for a reason. Every triumph, every challenge, every single moment I’ve experienced up to this point has meticulously shaped me into the resilient, compassionate person I am today. It was only when I began to truly love and accept myself, unconditionally, for who I am – embracing both my strengths and my vulnerabilities – that life truly began to align in my favor. I firmly believe that every individual possesses a unique beauty, an inherent worthiness that deserves to be recognized, cherished, and celebrated. Therefore, I implore us all to greet each new day with profound, unconditional love for our bodies and for the incredible, unique lives we are actively creating for ourselves. This journey has taught me the invaluable lesson that self-compassion and acceptance are the foundational pillars of true well-being and lasting happiness.

If my story resonates with you, or if you have any questions about absolutely anything I’ve shared, please know that I am an open book. I would be more than happy to provide further insight, offer encouragement, or simply share more about my experiences. Feel free to use the comment section below, or reach out to me directly via email at fitfoodiefinds(at)gmail(dot)com. Your questions and shared experiences are always welcome, and I am here to connect and support.